Hi. Satan, here. I bet you have things to do today. You probably have to get some work done – maybe it’s job-related, maybe it’s school-related, but I bet you have to do things today. What’s that, you say? You don’t feel like doing anything?
Fear not! I am here today to help you procrastinate.
It’s very easy. You just think about how much you don’t want to do something, and your brain starts overflowing with ideas of things you could be doing instead! It’s almost like magic. Allow me to help you get started.
1. Go back to bed.
It’s okay, I won’t judge you. You probably feel really tired and overwhelmed, thinking about all those tasks and deadlines. But we are all equal here, and naps are amazing. Don’t hold out on naps – it’s been scientifically proven that naps increase your brain activity! Or something like that.
2. Hey, remember that fun game you used to play 10 years ago?
Yeah, so do I. Preferably around exam time. That’s when I suddenly remember playing Pokémon on the Gameboy, and then I get this urge to start playing from the beginning. I’ve also been known to play Putt Putt, Freddi Fish, and Pajama Sam. But hey, it’s all good! You need to be able to relax and get your mind off of things, right?
3. I bet you’re hungry.
Yes, you look like you’re hungry. Go on, have a look in the mirror. See how hungry you look? You should probably go make some food. It doesn’t have to be labour-inducing – after all, we are procrastinating – but every minute helps. Maybe pop a pizza in the oven. And hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you make yourself a cup of coffee or tea? You deserve it!
4. 10 bucks says you’re procrastinating right now.
But you’re reading this blog post instead. Kudos to you! You’re reading a blog post about procrastination while procrastinating. I applaud that – that does require a certain amount of determination. Look at you being a strong person!
5. It’s a really good idea to start watching a new TV show.
Preferably something like Game of Thrones. You know, something you won’t get addicted to. Something that won’t make you go “Okay, I’ll just watch one more episode and then I’ll go back to being productive”.
6. Look at your bookshelf. You see that book? It’s that book you’ve been dying to read for a long time, but you never got around to it.
Pick it up. Go ahead. Take it, and open it, and read it. Life is too short to do things you don’t want to do. Who knows, you might die in a couple hours, and then all your work has been for nothing, and you never read that book. Best not take any chances.
7. Oh look, you have an e-mail. And Facebook notifications. And Goodreads notifications.
Maybe you should check all your social media while you’re at it. You might be missing something very important while you’re doing work! You don’t want that, do you? Do you? What if people want to talk to you and you’re not there? They will hate you forever.
8. You may need a music playlist for when you finally do get cracking.
Maybe you should spend some time finding (or creating) the perfect playlist to go with your work. Because that increases productivity, and you can have fun while working!
9. How long has it been since you last played Candy Crush?
Maybe you should get back into it again! I bet this time you will beat that pesky level you’ve been stuck on for months. And then you can just race through the next levels! You know that sense of success, of accomplishment, when you beat another level? Doesn’t that feel good?
10. Or, you know, you could always write a blog post about procrastinating.