It’s because of Karolina that I read the Fifty Shades trilogy on a dare. It’s because of my friend Katherine that I ended up seeing the movie. I think it’s clear that people want to see me suffer. However, it will make for quite an interesting installment of Book vs Movie. The things I do for you guys…
Taken from the Goodreads page:
“When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.”
I hardly think it’s a secret that I did not enjoy the book. At all. There are zero redeeming qualities: the writing was bloody awful, the repetitions made me want to throw cacti at people’s heads, Ana had the IQ of a brick while claiming to be smart, and Christian was an abusive fuckstick. There is nothing more to say here that I haven’t already said in my, ahem, eloquent review. There was suck all over the carpet, and I weep for the day humanity decided to make these books a bestseller. Don’t get me started on the fact that the author is publishing a book on writing advice. WRITING ADVICE. Oy vey.
There was one thing I liked about the movie: the soundtrack. That’s all. Again — bloody awful. I had to sit through two hours of this drivel. IT WAS UNPLEASANT. Dakota Johnson had about as many facial expressions as Kristen Stewart and her constant lip biting could have killed me had I decided to make a drinking game out of it. It started about two minutes in, and at one point, there were two lip bites in ten seconds.
I also noticed the fact that they downplayed the abuse in the movie to make it seem more romantic. I still remember how book-Ana felt demeaned and humiliated when Christian spanked her, though movie-Ana just seemed like a poor horny schoolgirl act and it was pathetic. Although I do wonder how many times they had to film that spanking scene, because I would’ve died laughing.
There were several things that were so awful, so awful, that they made laugh out loud:
- “I don’t make love. I fuck. Hard.” (Oh my god, I can’t believe how close they stuck to the book! As if it wasn’t bad enough to read about these, now we have to hear actual people say them. It was so bad. SO bad.)
- “What are butt plugs?” (Best line in the entire movie)
- When they decided to reflect Christian’s thrusting bare ass in the ceiling during their first sex scene. Very artistic. My friend Katherine told me that it reminded her of a meme where white people having sex look like chickens. I will never be able to unsee this.
- The fact that the Red Room of Pain looked like a horse’s stables. In the book, it represents a womb, in the movie, a stable. I’m not sure which is better, but I wouldn’t want to be in either.
Honestly, if I had a dollar for every time they made me look at her fucking nipples, I’d be as rich as Christian.
Also wow, the Twilight references were amazing. The moment I set eyes on Ana I went, “Oh, hey Bella.” Christian saves her from a passing car and they do that intense eye-contact thing they did in Twilight about 200 times. AND THEN THEY KISSED IN A FUCKING MEADOW.
And then, just to make me groan even more, they decide to add flashbacks at the ending. FLASHBACKS. As if sitting through this crap once wasn’t enough?
Safe to say, I was pretty damn relieved when it finally ended — I thought it never would. IT ENDS. IT DOES END.
Kill it with fire. Kill everything with fire. I will never understand the hype around this crap. The sex scenes are awful and everything in between is as exciting as watching paint dry. It’s abusive, it’s cheesy, it’s horrible, and if I never hear another word about Fifty Shades (ha, I wish), it’ll be an eternity too soon.