Let Me List You All The Ways In Which I Fail At The Sims

Posted September 24, 2015 by Inge in Mad Talk // Personal / 12 Comments

I can’t even get my fictional life in order.

Let me explain. A while back, I got really bored, so I decided to watch how Dan and Phil from the YouTube played The Sims 4. As is typical from Dan and Phil, it was exceedingly awkward and cringe-worthy in a hilarious kind of way, which made me want to play The Sims. I had never played The Sims before, aside from on a friend’s computer or something, and everyone was telling me to go ahead and play already.

So I went ahead and bought The Sims 3. Surely this would not be a mistake? What could possibly go wrong?

Only EVERYTHING.

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Meet Anna and Aly Swaggins.

Yes, Swaggins. I don’t know, I’d been watching The Hobbit and the chasm between Baggins and Swaggins isn’t that big, so… I’m pretty sure it all went downhill from there.

I had the magnificent idea to create Sim-like versions of myself and Aly. I had originally intended for us to be Sim-sisters and have flawless lives together. But no, I failed to make them sisters and immediately Aly decided she would like to go on a date with Anna.

I mean, I know I’m hard to resist and everything, but this wasn’t exactly according to plan. Not to mention that, if I had gone through with this, I would be virtually dating Aly — the idea of which made me feel like the creepiest voyeuristic creeper on the planet. “And now Anna and Aly shall WooHoo on the beach” — just, no.

I don’t think it helped that Anna and Aly were sleeping in the same bed and were walking around in nighties all the time. And then there was that creepy-ass mailman who kept looking through our windows — I mean, it was just the start of a really bad porno. The mailman comes through the backdoor t— I’m going to stop right there.

So I gave us separate beds — no need for that “oh we’re so poor we can only afford one bed”. There may be some English bloke in Love Actually who falls for that kind of crap, but not in my house, sonny.

They are good friends, though, which is nice to see. Although sometimes it gets creepily realistic.

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While Anna is the prime example of a successful human being (as one can only expect of a Sim who is modelled after me), I think Aly decided to start rebelling against me from the moment I didn’t grant her wish to go on a date with Anna. She has been an absolute pain in the ass.

On the other hand, maybe I shouldn’t have made her “Excitable”.

First of all, she can’t cook worth a damn. Everything she creates comes back burnt to a crisp.

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WAY TO GO, ALY. I pay for cooking books and cooking classes and I grant you a comprehensive education and you manage to SET THE KITCHEN ON FIRE. She does not care about responsibilities at all, or the fact that I didn’t have the cash to replace the ruined oven, which kept Anna from improving her cooking skills for at least a week. (Anna makes Aly pancakes or waffles for breakfast every morning, which I think is kind of sweet.)

Then, there was that time she went dumpster diving. I mean, I get that you’re hungry and I was totally going to feed you and all, but Aly decided to screw it and dump into the nearest dumpster head-first, legs flailing out of there like a freaking wind-mill, and then she dares to complain about HYGIENE. I could have told you that beforehand, but yanno, gotta let these youngsters learn from their own mistakes and all that. Lesson learned: dumpster diving makes you feel icky.

You know what else is creepy? Guys asking them out on dates. That’s not the creepy part. I mean that every time a guy calls to ask Anna or Aly out on a date and I accept, they are always elderly men. I arrive at the scene of the date and there’s this grey-headed male waddling up to me who is at least 50 years older and SHAME ON YOU. *shakes head disapprovingly* This may partly be my fault for not remembering the names of the Sims I’ve engaged with, but still. I did not sign up for this shit.

Then there was the time Aly accidentally turned into an Elder, because I didn’t realise you could stop them from ageing, and also she hadn’t actually accomplished much besides work, which she excells at, by the way. Simply because everyone keeps trying to persuade me to use cheats (I am disappointed in your morals), which I don’t want to do, so instead Anna and Aly work a lot and who needs friends anyway? Everything in their house has been earned through hard work and diligence, not cheats! (Although I did use a cheat to un-turn Aly back into an Adult. She was a gnarly Elder.) So what if it took them until their Elder years for their house to look semi-decent and they didn’t have any friends or relationships *whistles innocently*

Some other things:

  1. Aly has become a Rock Star and she is literally so cool that her work uniform consists of her own outfit with sunglasses
  2. I’m trying to get Aly to hook up with a guy named Christopher Steel. I just realised that if he’d gone for Anna and they’d gotten married, her name would be Anna Steel *shivers*
  3. Christopher calls Aly up at 3-4AM to go out on a date. Despite this ungodly hour, Aly arrives at the scene. Christopher: “It’s getting late, I should get going soon.” >.>
  4. NEVER MIND. The morning after I got Aly and Christopher to kiss, he calls ANNA up to go out on a date. This guy clearly is unworthy of Aly. You could’ve been dating a Rock Star but u playin’. Twerp.

So, yeah, I’ve come to the conclusion that I should not be allowed to have any responsibility whatsoever over any lives, even fictional ones. Things go horribly bad.

What’s your failiest fail on The Sims? Any suggestions as to what I should be doing?

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12 responses to “Let Me List You All The Ways In Which I Fail At The Sims

  1. I know people who intentionally build walls around their Sims and let them die, so I think overall you’re doing fine. I’ve only ever played the Sims 2, but you can buy some sort of life elixir with the points you get from fulfilling your Sim’s goals and wishes and that makes you younger again when you’re about to turn old, so you can do it without cheats. My biggest Sims fail is probably that it always makes me stay awake until the sun comes up again, BUT IN THE GAME just if they accidentally die or don’t have friends or I make the mistake of letting them reproduce and then neglect the children, because ugh children.

    Awesome post! I love Swaggins and the waffles of doom, but I feel like you’re throwing stones into the path of an epic, passionate romance. I mean a guy called Steele? Really?

  2. DYING. This is just so fabulous, there are no words. The Sims has to be about the greatest invention ever. I haven’t played in years, because time. But when I did, things always turned ugly really fast, but that’s usually because I made them. Like, everyone had to date everyone, and I wanted someone to die so they could haunt stuff. My problem is that I always made too MANY Sims, and they were always running all over and bumping into each other and yelling at me. SORRY, there are too many of you for me to clean up after, do it yourselves! Really, I didn’t know it then, but it was preparing me for parenthood.

    Now I want to get drawn back into the time suck that is The Sims.

    • Hahaha, I make two and I can’t even keep up with them, let alone an entire family! I’ll be playing with one of them and go “Oh, right, the other one still exists, too” and I go to them and they’re waving at me to go to the bathroom and stuff. Well, go to the bathroom, then! You don’t need me to hold your hand, do you?

      Sims. *shakes head*

  3. HA THIS IS GREAT. XD My sister and I were only reminiscing about sims the other day, actually. We were pretty infatuated with sims 2, like, um…years ago?!? But we were the over-achiever sims players. Our families were on SCHEDULES, DUDE. They had to earn maximum skill points, reach the top of their careers, and be platinum skill levels bey the time they were teens. NO SLACKIN’ HERE. And *whispers* We totally just made up families from movies. Not even kidding. XD *dies laughing* We had the entire Tolkien cast and Narnia happening there. #noregrets

    • Hahaha, I’m doing the exact same thing. Who needs friends and relationships when you could get LIFEPOINTS AND PROMOTIONS.

      I made the Weasley twins on the Night Life expansion. They’re idiots, but I love them.

  4. *dies laughing* Oh, Inge. You are obviously a stellar caretaker. 😉 I have never played the Sims, but something tells me I’d be even worse at it than you are – I’d probably accidentally forget about my Sims and then come back a week later to find them dead of starvation or something. I mean, you managed to turn one of yours into a legit rockstar – that’s nothing to sneeze at!

    (Also, does IRL Aly know what you’ve been up to? I think she would enjoy this… ;))

    • I don’t think you can kill them by not playing for a week, though 😉 they go into pause mode. Oh yes, I’ve been keeping Aly up to date about all of the fails, hahaha!

  5. I LOVE THIS POST SO MUCH HAHA! I’m a huge fan of the Sims! I’ve only ever had Sims 2 but I really want to purchase me Sims 3 or 4. I always make too many sims and none of them ever actually get anywhere in life. It’s quite pathetic really. BUT ONE DAY THAT SHALL CHANGE! ;D

  6. OH. MY. GOD. I’m crying. Seriously though. You should write a novel about them, and I’d read it, partially because of their very unfortunate lives (and non questionable morals. MORALS OBVS.)….maybe you should have realized that this was going to be disaster since your inspiration to start on this was Dil Howlter. DAN AND PHIL PLAYING SIMS THO.

    I do not like the fact that one of them is names Anna and she is being thrown into a romance with a guy whose surname is Steel. PLEASE. I don’t like this shit. Why would you put her through that? ;-;

    Aly needs to start avoiding creepy pedos asap. Big time.

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