I can’t even get my fictional life in order.
Let me explain. A while back, I got really bored, so I decided to watch how Dan and Phil from the YouTube played The Sims 4. As is typical from Dan and Phil, it was exceedingly awkward and cringe-worthy in a hilarious kind of way, which made me want to play The Sims. I had never played The Sims before, aside from on a friend’s computer or something, and everyone was telling me to go ahead and play already.
So I went ahead and bought The Sims 3. Surely this would not be a mistake? What could possibly go wrong?
Meet Anna and Aly Swaggins.
Yes, Swaggins. I don’t know, I’d been watching The Hobbit and the chasm between Baggins and Swaggins isn’t that big, so… I’m pretty sure it all went downhill from there.
I had the magnificent idea to create Sim-like versions of myself and Aly. I had originally intended for us to be Sim-sisters and have flawless lives together. But no, I failed to make them sisters and immediately Aly decided she would like to go on a date with Anna.
I mean, I know I’m hard to resist and everything, but this wasn’t exactly according to plan. Not to mention that, if I had gone through with this, I would be virtually dating Aly — the idea of which made me feel like the creepiest voyeuristic creeper on the planet. “And now Anna and Aly shall WooHoo on the beach” — just, no.
I don’t think it helped that Anna and Aly were sleeping in the same bed and were walking around in nighties all the time. And then there was that creepy-ass mailman who kept looking through our windows — I mean, it was just the start of a really bad porno. The mailman comes through the backdoor t— I’m going to stop right there.
So I gave us separate beds — no need for that “oh we’re so poor we can only afford one bed”. There may be some English bloke in Love Actually who falls for that kind of crap, but not in my house, sonny.
They are good friends, though, which is nice to see. Although sometimes it gets creepily realistic.
While Anna is the prime example of a successful human being (as one can only expect of a Sim who is modelled after me), I think Aly decided to start rebelling against me from the moment I didn’t grant her wish to go on a date with Anna. She has been an absolute pain in the ass.
On the other hand, maybe I shouldn’t have made her “Excitable”.
First of all, she can’t cook worth a damn. Everything she creates comes back burnt to a crisp.
WAY TO GO, ALY. I pay for cooking books and cooking classes and I grant you a comprehensive education and you manage to SET THE KITCHEN ON FIRE. She does not care about responsibilities at all, or the fact that I didn’t have the cash to replace the ruined oven, which kept Anna from improving her cooking skills for at least a week. (Anna makes Aly pancakes or waffles for breakfast every morning, which I think is kind of sweet.)
Then, there was that time she went dumpster diving. I mean, I get that you’re hungry and I was totally going to feed you and all, but Aly decided to screw it and dump into the nearest dumpster head-first, legs flailing out of there like a freaking wind-mill, and then she dares to complain about HYGIENE. I could have told you that beforehand, but yanno, gotta let these youngsters learn from their own mistakes and all that. Lesson learned: dumpster diving makes you feel icky.
You know what else is creepy? Guys asking them out on dates. That’s not the creepy part. I mean that every time a guy calls to ask Anna or Aly out on a date and I accept, they are always elderly men. I arrive at the scene of the date and there’s this grey-headed male waddling up to me who is at least 50 years older and SHAME ON YOU. *shakes head disapprovingly* This may partly be my fault for not remembering the names of the Sims I’ve engaged with, but still. I did not sign up for this shit.
Then there was the time Aly accidentally turned into an Elder, because I didn’t realise you could stop them from ageing, and also she hadn’t actually accomplished much besides work, which she excells at, by the way. Simply because everyone keeps trying to persuade me to use cheats (I am disappointed in your morals), which I don’t want to do, so instead Anna and Aly work a lot and who needs friends anyway? Everything in their house has been earned through hard work and diligence, not cheats! (Although I did use a cheat to un-turn Aly back into an Adult. She was a gnarly Elder.) So what if it took them until their Elder years for their house to look semi-decent and they didn’t have any friends or relationships *whistles innocently*
Some other things:
- Aly has become a Rock Star and she is literally so cool that her work uniform consists of her own outfit with sunglasses
- I’m trying to get Aly to hook up with a guy named Christopher Steel. I just realised that if he’d gone for Anna and they’d gotten married, her name would be Anna Steel *shivers*
- Christopher calls Aly up at 3-4AM to go out on a date. Despite this ungodly hour, Aly arrives at the scene. Christopher: “It’s getting late, I should get going soon.” >.>
- NEVER MIND. The morning after I got Aly and Christopher to kiss, he calls ANNA up to go out on a date. This guy clearly is unworthy of Aly. You could’ve been dating a Rock Star but u playin’. Twerp.
So, yeah, I’ve come to the conclusion that I should not be allowed to have any responsibility whatsoever over any lives, even fictional ones. Things go horribly bad.
What’s your failiest fail on The Sims? Any suggestions as to what I should be doing?